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Open Letter To Comedy Central

Dear Comedy Central Executives,

You suck.

I’m being serious. You suck.

No, don’t try to take solace in the belief you suck in the standard, cable channel suckiness way, because you bring suck into a whole new suck-inspiring arena of suck. Soured lemons stand in awe and fear of your skill. Soda straws weep with joy at your passing. Spaghetti noodles shout for your autograph. You suck long. You suck hard. You suck in ten dimensions.

If sucking was a dance, your feet would be vacuum sealed to the floor. If sucking was a candy, you’d be Willy Wonka’s Eversucking Gobsucker. And if sucking was an Olympic sport, you can just forget it, because you’d never be good enough to make it over the finish line. That’s because you suck so bad you suck at being the best, the average, and the worst at sucking.

In other words, you suck.

Now, if Comedy Central wishes to lessen the amount of suck they represent on the Television Suck-O-Scale™, try following the following advice:

Stop showing movies. Any movies. At all. Because you suck at it.

For example, tonight I was planning to sit down and watch my favorite comedy film from the last five years, High Fidelity. Though you suck, it’s likely you know the picture: based on the book of the same name by Nick Hornby? Stars John Cusack, Iben Hjejle, Jack Black? Yeah, you’ve heard of it. A funny, intelligent work.

Thanks for sucking it up.

I don’t know who you use to edit your movies, but show them the door, or if they’re in a union, give them positions in the Suck Department, if there’s ever an opening over there. You see, they apparently lack certain skills, all of them in the area of editing.

I don’t mind when you dub out discourteous language. The delicate ears of Comedy Central viewers need to be protected at all costs. So having a character say “frog” when they obviously say “fuck,” well, no problem here. I can handle on my own any censor to reality translation requirements. I also have little concern over edits to a movie for the “time allotted.” If the movie was Patton, and the time assigned to show it in was four and one half minutes, I might be a tad peeved. Otherwise I understand the pressures of commercial television.

The problem is that a comedy is at least supposed to be, you know, funny. However, it’s hard to find it so when all the funny stuff—brief asides, long sections of dialog, whole scenes—are cut right out of it. Actually, ripped out so brutally all that’s left to see is popped buttons and ragged seams and a confused, unfunny movie.

One might say the humor was sucked out by the sucking suck of a suck master.

In conclusion, I suggest showing reruns of The Daily Show in place of where you presently have movies go through your suck grinder. Or just put The Daily Show on twenty-four hours a day, since we all know it’s the only thing you guys have on that doesn’t suck. Oh, and make more use of Susie Felber. She also fails the suck test.

Sincerely,
Another viewer so very tired of all the sucking. The bad kind.