guff

Proust comes home to roost

Being a huge fan of Marcel Proust (yes, I’m joking), I’ve decided to post my own deeply considered yet extremely rushed answers to “the infamous Proust questionnaire.” And no, this hasn’t transpired due to recent events. After all, attempting to benefit in such a manner is beneath me…

The Kafkaesquí Answers to the Proust Questionnaire
^{(price negotiable for handwritten copies (signed by author))}

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Questions such as that one.

Where would you like to live?

It is often helpful to first ask if one would like to live at all. Everything after that is fluff, now isn’t it.

What is your idea of earthly happiness?

Avoiding the issue of earthly happiness seems to work for me.

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?

I indulge no faults, as they’ve taken absolute control of me and provide no opportunity to do so.

Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?

The good ones.

Who are your favorite characters in history?

I always liked the squiggly marks on the Rosetta Stone. Not the Hieroglyphics or Greek writing, but the Demotic script, which has some pretty cool historic characters.

Who are your favorite heroines in real life?

Pfc. Jessica Lynch is right up there. Not the genuine article, but the Jessica they created for a more believable, ‘real life’ heroine. You know, this one.

Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?

How about Proust? Could he be considered…nevermind.

Your favorite painter?

When they stay inside the lines, they’re my favorite.

Your favorite musician?

See answer above.

The quality you most admire in a man?

An innate ability to stand erect. Goes with the territory, as they say.

The quality you most admire in a woman?

Whatever it is that draws them to me like a magnet. Must have lots of that in them!

Your favorite virtue?

The one Bill Bennett regularly ignores.

Your favorite occupation?

Cheese maker. I wouldn’t want to do it, but it does intrigue me so.

Who would you have liked to be?

The one asking the questions. How do you get a gig like that?