guff

New Internet Rules

Discovered cross posted to numerous newsgroups (and all off-topic):

From: Horatio Tonkin (horton@greeneggs.sam.im)
Subject: Internet Usage Guidelines – Preparatory Notice
Newsgroups: <various>

A group of concerned Internet users I belong to had a meeting a few days ago, and we came to the decision that too many of you out there are not employing the Internet in a manner befitting its true power and worth. In light of this distressing fact, we created some important rules for its use.

We hope the following are promoted widely and accepted as standard guidelines for Internet behavior. They are neither comprehensive nor conclusive, but the preliminary notes we’ve written up seemed important enough to release at this time. We plan to put forth many more rules in the coming months.

- Don’t set up pages with frivolous Web content
It’s acceptable to have a page on which animals are discussed, but pets can’t use browsers, so don’t claim they do. Charades of this type must stop. And no more pages for just “experimenting”. If someone visits you, they want professionalism.

- Join online forums using only one username
This also goes for the newsgroup forums. Please do not argue privacy with us: you can certainly create an anonymous username, but just one. We see no need to litter the Internet with “fake” users.

- If you have an IM account, use it
No one wants to know your AIM or Yahoo Messenger or ICQ number if they can’t reach you. When you connect to the Internet, log on to your Instant Message account, and stay on it.

- Don’t get all technical
Most people have better things to do than figure out what you mean by “multiprocessor system” and “BIOS”. Write clearly and in layman’s terms, and if you must use acronyms, explain what they mean — a lot.

- Don’t point people to search engines
If they knew how to use them, they wouldn’t need your help. Also, don’t berate them for posting in the wrong place or when they have a question that’s been asked one hundred times before. And don’t send email just to explain they did something wrong. That in itself should be considered bad “netiquette”, and not what you accuse them of.

- Avoid the use of hacker spelling
Regular everyday Internet users do not know what l33t means, and do not want to know. If you can write in English, then do so. If you can’t, then learn.

- Don’t tell people something you didn’t mean
There is no way to see you are using sarcasm on the Internet. So don’t.

Notice: The people I speak for are not an official governing body of the Internet, and we wield no power which allows us to compel anyone to adopt these rules. (We don’t even have a name for our group.) However, we’re presently figuring out a way to gain such power, as no one else seems willing to do anything about the problems. We’ll let you know when we come up with a name.

–Horatio Tonkin

The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. -Proverbs (Hebrew Bible)