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Kafkaesquí’s Take On Creation

If I believed in a God, and accepted the outlandish claim of how He created the world and everything else around us, here’s why I would imagine He must have gone to all that trouble…

Before the beginning there was nothing but peace and quiet, which is the way God likes it. Take a look in the Old Testament at how He milks vengeance from any noisy community, which was the planet’s entire population in one instance, and you see what I mean. Then one day — or then having no calculated period partitioned by the movement of a luminous ball of gas in the sky, an amount of time’s passage roughly a day in duration — God turned His mind to a bit of tinkering, and finished up inventing the heavens and the earth. Now there’s something to make Thomas Edison’s output appear as little more than a quick stroll past the workshop.

Then God took on some poorly documented labors to cause things like grass, the seasons, baboons, iced tea, and AOL Time Warner to slip into existence. With all the stuff that had to be done, it’s not hard to see why He chose to take some time off soon thereafter. Can’t you just see God huddled on His bed under a big, cozy comforter, maybe reading through the Sports section of the New York Post? Doubtful the crossword ever challenged Him. But God, the original Mr. Work Ethic, quickly went back to taking care of business. I don’t need much to recognize a fellow Type A personality with far too much on their to-do list. But considering the title and office location, I don’t think anyone would refuse Him the chance to sleep in every now and then. To me it sounds like a great opportunity for offerings of an alarm clock with a snooze option.

Since that first week God, for reasons He’s never really discussed, has tended to avoid the production of things for Himself out of thin air. So to come to where a snooze button exists, one needs to set things in motion, hence the necessity to create the earth with all the accouterment, then mold humans into life, and finally shoulder up a civilization that leads to an electronics market. Following this plan of action, in time you will get digital clocks with a multi-setting delay on the alarm. May be a very roundabout way to net such a small feature, but He seems to be filled with infinite patience when an issue doesn’t involve who is praying to what god.

Now some may argue God had no need for an alarm clock before creating everything, including time, so my Purpose of Creation theory is seriously flawed; but I must indicate that God, who is always stipulated to be the omniscient force around here, knows what He’ll need at any given point long before it’s required He know it. Being all-knowing must be a major boon for whenever you need to plan ahead.

So the goal behind Creation is so God can enjoy that time between sleep and getting out of bed. Yes, I know it sounds absurd. At least it’s somewhat practical.