guff

April 1 Without a Net

As April Fools Day is one of only three holidays Kafkaesquí actually celebrates during the year (the other two being International Orgasm Day, and something he calls Creamed Chipped Beef Awareness Weekend), he’s offline for the full twenty-four hours and has asked me to post in his stead. I’m not too keen on this writing thing he’s got going on, so I took it upon myself to pilfer his electronic organizer and copy from it his schedule for the day, which I place here for your perusal:

April 1, 2002

07:45

Wake up.

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08:30

Get up.

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09:00

Come up with idea for Blurried Musings entry.

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09:45

If I didn’t get up at 8:30 and call in sick, will have to do so at this point. Don’t use regular fake sick voice. The receptionist seems to have caught on.

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10:00

Call Amino’s Bakery and ask if they cook mozzarella into finger-thin sticks of french bread. If they don’t, not sure where I’m going to get these. Try directory assistance to see if there’s any mozzarella operations in the area, or a cheese hotline.

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11:00

Landlord said he’d be up at 11:30 to look at the leak in the bathroom. Make sure to remove the salamander from the toilet and keep it in the kitchen until he’s gone.

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12:00

Catch a quick nap.

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13:45

Call Dalva and ask if she wants to meet for drinks to celebrate April Fools’ Day. Call Farmer and Sundog too and ask if they can join us. In fact, call all of Jim Harrison’s title characters and have them come by.

Reminder: Don’t call Legends of the Fall — he’s still pissed at you.

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15:00

Check to see if the corner bookstore down the street has anything by Professor Michael Taussig. When it turns out they don’t (they won’t), berate them for not stocking more on anthropology and the social sciences. Also ask for something on advanced applied linguistics.

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17:00

Nap time!

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18:15

Call numbers randomly from the phone book and ask for Charmaine. When told you have a wrong number explain in detail how you were already aware of that. If a Charmaine answers, ask if she’s available for drinks.

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20:00

Meet up with the gang. Bring plenty of maps to discuss the topic of bad street alignment, just in case things get slow.

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23:00

Set VCR to record last ten minutes of Nightline and first twelve of Politically Incorrect.

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23:45

Power up computer and get it ready to go back online.

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April 2, 2002

00:00

Say goodbye to another April Fools’ Day.