guff

Err, Well, Umm, Yeah

I wanted to come in with a really good, profoundly deep, maybe even a blow-the-doors-off-the-roof topic for the day, but the best I could think of was something about the transitory character of Life. Not the magazine but the experience, as in a look at life in all of its… suchness (as underused a word as any I know). I was going to traipse on about how one goes straight from those disgusting leftovers of birth to a longish period where it tends to blow for most of us, then presto wango death shows up, usually unannounced. If life was a movie, I’d have a major bone to pick with the Writer.

Yeah, major downer! So instead, I’ll list the names of people who have passed on, but I don’t happen to miss all that much:

Chuckles the Clown

May seem unusual to start with a fictional character, but if not for Chuckle’s death we would never have seen the funniest half-hour of television in the English language (and others when dubbed). Oh, and I certainly don’t mean any other Chuckles the Clown. Now let us pray: “A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.”

Adolf Hitler

If you need a reason why I’m not crying over the loss of this guy, then you need to read more history. A lot more.

Josef Stalin

See Hitler. And why is it most 20th Century bad guys had two-syllable first and last names? A-dolf Hit-ler. Jo-sef Sta-lin. Ri-chard Nix-on. Strange, that.

Douglas Adams

I like Douglas Adams and his writings a great deal. (Can you truthfully say you’ve read both Dirk Gently novels?) However, I felt he shouldn’t have written the fifth book in the Hitchhiker’s trilogy (and perhaps the fourth as well). It certainly didn’t turn out all that good. While alive there was always the chance he’d give into pressure from his publisher to write a sixth. His death quieted that concern somewhat.

Ms. Henchen, my fifth grade teacher

In all honesty I don’t know if Ms. Henchen is dead or not (so no link for her!). I just never liked her.

Chris Gaines

I can’t take Garth Brooks as Garth Brooks: country music super talent. So why would I want him around as a mediocre, fake rock star? Thankfully they’ve both been retired.

Pope Urban VI

In my estimation, he was a bad pope. Very bad. And nowadays very dead as well.

Albert Einstein

All I can say is, this guy’s work screwed any possibility of a career in physics for me. Not that I had a good chance otherwise, but still! He’d also be really, really old, decrepit and senile if he was still alive. Not something I’d wish on my worst enemy. OK, maybe Hitler.